How To Be a Samurai
by Pink Raccoon
Summary: I fixed up this story because it was all squished together. Wufei is forced to look for a job and Duo goes to a Karate class. Heero and Quatre try to play board games and...well...it's just general chaos. My friends like this one. Reviews appreciated.


How to Be a Samurai By: Ashley Benjamin

"Heero, you know what?" Duo asked as he sat on the floor, playing with a cube puzzle, in the small apartment that all of the gundam pilots lived in together. Why? Because it's funnier that way.

"No, I don't, and I don't want to," Heero stared at the small television in front of him.

"We've all got really strange names," Duo sat up, pulling his braid out from under him. "Because your name is like hero'. Hey," Duo started laughing, "has anyone every called you Heero the Hero'? Cause that's funny! Aha ahahaha!"

"Hey, Duo, can you keep it down? I'm trying to read," Wufei called out from the kitchen table behind them. Duo jumped up and raced to his side.

"You know what you're name's like? Like WOOF, like a dog sound. Only you're WOOF-y. Hey, ahaha, has anyone ever said, "hey, Wufei, ahahaha, you're WOOFY, STOP IT!" Duo burst out into laughter and took a seat.

"I hate you," Wufei muttered, turning the page of his newspaper. Quatre then entered the room, heading for the kitchen, "how's it going guys?"

"Hey, Quatre!" Duo yelled in excitement, running up to his side. "You know what you're name sounds like?" "Huh?" Quatre looked up with a confused expression, pouring himself some cheerios. "Like KLEENEX!" Duo screamed in laughter, "Has anyone ever said, 'Hey Quatre', AHAHAHA, 'DO YOU NEED A KLEENEX!'"

"Yeah," Quatre nodded slowly. "AHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Duo ran away with his head tilted back and disappeared down the hall.

"Is he okay?" Quatre asked Wufei.

"I think Heero probably let him have cocoa pebbles this morning." Wufei circled something in the paper.

"He's not my little brother or whatever. WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME!" Heero screeched, his eye twitching.

"What are you doing?" Quatre asked, looking over Wufei's shoulder at the paper, completely ignoring Heero.

"Looking for a job. We can't just live on cereal forever," Wufei said, circling another one.

"Too bad my sister spent our entire fortune building that space-age mini mall, huh? Then we wouldn't have this problem," Quatre sighed and stirred his cheerios.

"HEY QUATRE!" Duo raced back into the room, holding a Kleenex box. Quatre looked up just in time to have Duo chuck it right at his forehead. Duo ran away overwhelmed with laughter, flailing his arms around.

Wufei died a little inside. He then looked back at his paper.

"Why did you circle Brittany Spears Back-Up Dancer'?" Quatre asked, rubbing his forehead and squinting at the last green circle Wufei put on the page.

"...Oh, did I?" Wufei said uncomfortably and folded up his paper. "Well, I can't erase it now, heh, I must be off!" Wufei grabbed the keys to the green van that they all shared.

"Wait, WOOFY! Take me with you! I need a ride to my Samurai class!" Duo called out, running up to him with a white robe around his shoulders and a long sword.

"Oh my God, you're kidding, right?" Wufei winced.

"NOPE! I strike with maximum force and my sounds are all soft and padded... and I'm DUO MAXI-PAD!" Duo shouted, jumping up and down. The other three pilots started laughing.

"What?" Duo blinked.

"Nothing, nothing. Say your name again?" Wufei snorted.

"Duo Maxi-Pad the Freelance Samurai with No Strings Attached!" the pilots were on the floor with laughter, "My spirit expands into wings, that give me flight and help me protect you!" They were crying now, "If there's a sticky situation, I'll be there! For I am the SUPER MAXI-PAD, the greatest samurai of them all!"

"I can't breathe!" Wufei yelled out, clutching his stomach.

"So you like my name?" Duo said confusedly.

"Yeah, Duo," Heero panted, "tell everyone your name."

Trowa walked down a crowded street with his hands in his pockets. It was almost noon and he still hadn't found what he was looking for. Katherine sent him on a little errand to go and get her some elephant food. It had turned into a big errand, though, because he couldn't find peanuts anywhere on this street by the beach. (Peanuts were the only thing he'd ever fed the elephants.) So again he was walking down this way. There were many people performing and lots of little stands where others were selling things. As he passed a henna stand he couldn't help but notice the very strong smell of sunscreen. He stopped and looked over. A girl that looked about his age was applying large amounts of it to her skin. She had long blonde hair and green eyes that squinted against the sun.

"Excuse me..." Trowa leaned towards her. She was very attractive, "are you allergic to the sun?"

"No, I'm just Irish," she smiled and rubbed a whole new coat onto her face.

"Oh...Hey, would you have any idea where I could find some peanuts?" he asked, picking up a book of henna tattoos.

"Yeah!" she answered, "you know what? It's my break. I'll show you." She turned around and waved to a guy behind her. Trowa smiled and walked away with her. After a while he noticed that they weren't really going anywhere, just talking. He didn't mind. He'd forgotten all about the peanuts.

Wufei waved at Duo as he walked towards his Samurai class. "Don't forget to tell them your name!" Wufei laughed, a tear streaking his face in remembrance.

"Okay!" Duo smiled back, giving a thumbs-up right before he entered. Everyone was already getting warmed up. Duo was obviously the oldest student there, they all seemed like they were eleven years old. Duo didn't notice though.

"Hi everyone, I'm Mr. Yoshinoya. Okay class, sit cross legged in a circle around me," said an old bearded man, standing in the middle of the room. Everyone did. "The first start to being a Samurai is having a super-cool Samurai name. Who has one picked out already?" Duo's hand shot up. The man nodded.

"I'm Duo. I can strike at any enemy with maximum force, and I can creep into the night as if on padded feet. Therefore I am DUO MAXI- PAD!" he screeched, thinking that everyone in the class would have the same reaction as the rest of the pilots. Only Mr. Yoshinoya did.

"Are you sure you want that name?" he chuckled, "It's a very...feminine name."

"How so?" Duo yelled, "I think it's a very good name!" All of the eleven-year-olds agreed.

"I am DUO MAXI-PAD, I absorb the evil and leave you worry free!" Duo threw his arms into the air. All of the children clapped and cheered.

"Okay...if you say so..." Mr. Yoshinoya shrugged. "Who's next?"

A very short, Asian boy raised his hand.

"Go ahead."

"I am Dragon Fire Breath! I strike my enemies with the dragon within me and the flame that is my soul!" The little boy stood up in his excitement. There was a silent pause.

"What kind of a dumbass name is that?" exclaimed Duo. All of the eleven-year-olds agreed. The boy looked down in disappointment and sat down.

"Idiot," Duo mumbled. Everyone laughed at him.

"1432 Jefferson...this is it." Wufei talked to himself as he pulled up in front of a small studio. He grabbed his duffel bag and walked inside. There were lots of people inside, standing in front of three desks. In them sat two men and Brittany Spears. "Next!" the large man on the left shouted motion for a girl in a pink leotard to walk over. She had only begun dancing when she was called away.

Wufei took a quick look around and headed for the dressing room. He emerged with tight jeans and a leopard-print muscle shirt. He strutted over to the line of girls. There were many crying over in the corner, being comforted by family members. After ten minutes, it was finally his turn. He put his tape into the stereo provided.

"I have a vision," Wufei whispered as the music started. He began posing in rather strange ways. "I am the emu to the hay storm; I walk without breath, without feeling." He turned around and looked at them from under and between his legs.

"I give birth to a whole new head, and run into the sunset, only to realize it is a wall." The three judges at the table were too frightened to make it stop. Brittany's eyes widened as Wufei sat down and tucked both feet behind his neck. "I am a monkey. A monkey with a vision of you," he pointed at himself, "and me," he pointed at Brittany. (NOTE: Not a typo.) "So let's bake pancakes, and declare peace." He closed his eyes as the background music finished.

"That was..." One of the men said, trailing away as Wufei stood.

"That was WONDERFUL!" Brittany screamed. The other two judges shot their heads at her in true amazement.

"But...We're only auditioning girls. I thought you were one until just a minute ago. But keep doing what you're doing. Gay power!" she smiled and checked something off on a clipboard.

"I'm straight," he growled as he retrieved his tape. He turned back to Brittany, "and vision knows no gender!" he snapped on both sides of his head and walked back to the dressing room, anger at his heels. (It's a phrase now! Don't question me!)

Quatre flipped a card over and set it on the table in front of him. He was playing solitaire, and losing. He gave their small apartment the once-over. The stained green carpet had burnt places near the kitchen. He smiled, reminiscing of the time that Duo had caught his hair on fire and tried to beat it out with the rug. Quatre quickly shook it away. 'Nice thoughts.'

The walls of the apartment varied in color. It was all originally white but some way or another they managed to get them very dirty. Nobody ever cleaned, unless Quatre got so tired of it he couldn't stand it any more. Their blue, wide couch only had two of the four cushions. In the empty spaces they had put mounds of stuffed animals. There was a chair that everyone considered Heero's chair. It was a wood chair with carved designs of clowns. Duo hated it. Heero found it somewhere, and he was in it constantly. It was set before a wall of stacked buckets where he kept his laptop.

There were only two other rooms in the apartment. They were both empty and very small. They hadn't planned on being there long. Duo shared a room with Heero, because he couldn't stand Trowa's snoring. Quatre and Wufei couldn't stand Duo, so they chose Trowa's snoring. There were just camping cots and a few of their own belongings. Duo, for instance, had his electric guitar, his amp, a genie lamp, a pop-up book, hair knickknacks and other strange stuff that he liked. It was mostly Duo's stuff in the room with the window that he and Heero shared. Heero had, well, a laptop and a comb. That was pretty much it. Quatre listened to the silence for a moment.

"I guess everyone went to go look for jobs," he said to himself, putting a four on top of a five. "Maybe I should too… But I'm so fragile."

"Pillows!" Quatre heard a soft feminine voice coming from Duo and Heero's room. He stood up slowly and armed himself with Duo's Champion Limbo Trophy. As he approached the room it became louder and clearer.

"Pillows!" Heero sang in a high-pitched tone. Quatre peeked his head in to see Heero with a pillow half way on his head, one on each arm and one on each leg. He was doing a strange dance that resembled the hokey-pokey. "Pillows, pillows, pillows!"

"Heero?" Quatre said quietly. Heero quickly stopped and pulled the pillow off of his head. His eyes widened, which looked very funny with the straight-up hairstyle he'd just given himself. "Quatre! I was, uh, doing laundry-and uh-the pillow over came me. I tried to fight back," Heero quickly freed himself of the other pillows and pulled off the pillow cases and folded them.

"Heero…Do you play pillow-pillow when you're alone?" Quatre smiled and spoke like he was a kindergarten teacher. Heero nodded silently. "That's great! You're letting free your inner child!" Quatre walked towards Heero, arms outstretched for a hug.

Heero backed away in fear.

"Mail time, mail time, MAIL TIME!" Toby McGuire (spiderman) raced out in between them, appearing to have come from the bathroom.

"What are you doing here?" Heero and Quatre said in unision.

"I'm Toby McGuire, and I need your help. You see, these scientists created me in a lab. I'm an AI, a mix between Michael J. Fox and Steve from Blues Clues. Don't I look like it?" He turned to the side to show them his profile.

"Ahh!" They yelled in unision.

"I know! …I can't talk though. I have to go back to the future and save Blue!" and with that he shot out a spider web and swung away.

"Wow. That was not only unexpected, but completely random," remarked Heero. Quatre nodded.

"I'm really having fun. I don't get to talk to people that often these days," Daniella smiled and said as she walked beside Trowa. "Why wouldn't you get to talk to people? You work in this exciting place all day, I'm sure people talk to you," Trowa offered.

"You'd be surprised," she sighed. Then she perked up. "So tell me more about these people you live with. Like Kleenex, was that his name? Is he really an heir to a bunch of money?"

"Yeah! And his name is Quatre." Trowa stopped and sat down by a bench. "We would have more money but I'm the only one who works. Quatre's sister spent all of their fortune on an intergalactic mini mall that wasn't so mini." Daniella laughed.

"What?" Trowa looked confused.

"You don't think that's funny? All of these people you live with are so strange. So why isn't Quatre living in one of his mansions?"

"Because it's funnier this way," Trowa simply said, scratching the funny uni-bang tan that he'd gotten from walking around. Daniella looked down at her watch and then pulled out a bottle of sun screen. She began to apply it in layers.

"Are you sure you're Irish?" Trowa asked after watching her for a while.

"Of course," she said quickly, smearing it all over her face.

"Ohhhhkay." Trowa looked at his skin color that refused to change. Not that he wanted his skin to be bronze or pale. He was happy with how it was, but he wanted his skin to defy him and change color

"Who wants to pick their weapons first?" Mr. Yoshinoya offered to the group of children sitting in front of him. They all excitedly raised their hands; Duo's the highest because he was, of course, bigger.

"Marley?" called out Mr. Yoshinoya. A girl with long black hair and glasses jumped up and cheered.

"What are you doing in this class?" a short boy with light brown hair and a small forehead asked. "This should just be a class for MEN!"

"You gots a problem with it?" said a girl with orange pig-tails, standing up. She was one of the only three. The boy stuck out his tongue. She did the same thing.

"MEN! MEN! MEN! MEN!" Duo started a chant. All of the boys followed. The girls tried to do the same with the word 'WOMEN', but they were too little of a group.

"Calm down, calm down!" Mr. Yoshinoya shouted above all of them. The noise quieted. "Girls can be mighty warriors too."

"Bull," coughed Duo into his hand. Mr. Yoshinoya gave him a look.

"All right, come on-"he looked at his clipboard for her samurai name, "Marley the Pretty Kitty Princess of.Pink Glutter?" He squinted and leaned in close to the paper.

"Pink GLITTER!" she giggled and jumped up, folding her knees while in the air.

"You suck!" called out Duo, cupping his hands around his mouth. The boy next to him looked at him and shook his head.

"One more outburst from you, Duo Maxi-Pad, and I'll have you running laps around the room again," Mr. Yoshinoya picked up his wooden sword and pointed it at him. Duo 'hmphed' and crossed his arms. The instructor turned back to Marley. "Just pick a weapon, dear." Marley pondered the giant pile of bland and undetailed weapons. She reached forward and picked up a very long and skinny sword. "Very good choice. Now, Pretty Kitty Princess," he looked down at his clip board to make sure it was right, "what are you going to call your sword?"

"Oooh let me guess. Pretty Butterfly Pink Precious Britney Spears!" Duo yelled out. All of the boys in the room laughed.

"Shut up!" screamed out the girls. Mr. Yoshinoya opened his mouth to yell something when Marley cut away his words. "I'll call it CRIMSON DEATH!" the room got quiet; "it will destroy my enemies in cold, dark blood and bring suffering to those who dare to defy me!" She threw her head back and eccentrically roared with laughter. Her eyes grew with every new breath.

"That's very good, Marley. You can sit down now." Mr. Yoshinoya seemed almost frightened.

"You're scary," Duo whispered, stunned. All of the other boys cheered. "Duo Maxi-Pad, would you like to go next?" the instructor nodded in his direction. Duo stood and everyone applauded. He tightened the black belt around his waist and approached the pile of weapons. He studied a pair of nuunchucs. His view drifted across a bunch of swords, and then came to rest on an old, discarded PEZ dispenser with a pigeon on top. Duo picked it up.

"Good God," Mr. Yoshinoya sighed and pinched in between his eyes.

"It is…uh." Duo looked up and was trying to think of a name.

"Mr. Maxwell, you cannot choose that!" Mr. Yoshinoya snapped.

"It's name is Penguin King!" Duo ignored him and checked inside for any candy.

"That is not a weapon," Mr. Y tried to explain.

"Hiiii-YAH!" Duo screeched and threw Penguin King at his instructor. It hit him on his forehead.

"Ow! Oh Jesus!" he shouted and rubbed his face as the kids in the room gasped.

"See, it is a weapon. If some dudes can throw silver stars, then I can throw Penguin King!" Duo pumped his fist in the air. Everyone yelled out their agreements.

"Do whatever you want. It's not like you're going to be a real samurai anyway! Go run laps!" the angry teacher began looking for his Advil. Duo mumbled something about him being a racist and began to sprint around the walls of the room. The rest of the class got up to choose their weapons.

Wufei compared the address on the piece of paper with the one that was etched into the wall on the building he was parked in front of. It was a large, flat building that was the ugliest shade of pink Wufei had ever seen. He looked down at the paper and checked it one more time. This was apparently supposed to be the offices of RGTV (Really Good Television), a channel that Wufei watched Lassie on sometimes. They were in need of a copier boy.

"Screw it," Wufei shrugged and took the key out of the ignition in the green van. As he briskly walked up the steps to the front door he noticed that the pink of the building was actually even uglier close up. He considered bringing green paint and just defacing the whole thing when a man jumped up from his desk to greet Wufei at the door.

"Are you here for the photo shoot?" the chubby short man pushed up his glasses and looked Wufei up and down.

"What? No, I'm here for the job interview." Wufei held up the newspaper.

"Oh, well all right. I'm Mr. Butnutt, please make yourself comfortable." He waddled away, giving Wufei the chance to notice his strange resemblance to a pear.

"Butnutt? It must have been hard growing up," Wufei chuckled.

"Why would you say that?" The oblivious small man blinked at Wufei with a stern expression.

"No reason." Wufei found himself a seat in a pink chair. He had just begun to read an article about how PEZ was actually derived from a religious food when Mr. Butnutt motioned him over.

"Mr. Cleven can see you now," he pulled out a clipboard, "what's your name?" "I don't really have an appointment. My name is Wufei Chang."

"Maybe you'd better write it," the man chuckled and handed Wufei the clip board. The word WOOFY had been written but crossed out.

"I don't care if they want to file sexual assault!" Mr. Cleven shouted into the phone as Wufei entered, "WE didn't train the parrot!" He then slammed down the phone and smiled at Wufei. He was a red-headed balding man in a suit and a tacky tie. His office smelled like cigars and peppermint and his walls, his furniture, and his shoes, were pink. "So you're here to be our copy-machine-bitch? How old are you, son?" the man sat on his desk and lit a cigar.

"Eighteen." Wufei was having troubling thinking when the pink was making him want to vomit.

"I'd like to hire you. You look smart, Japanese boy," he took a deep breath of his cigar.

"I'm Chinese!" yelled out Wufei like he'd had this argument many times before.

"Whatever, same thing. The point is that your hair is too long. We like to look professional around here, and long hair is not permitted. We pay a large amount, if you're willing to cut your hair." he choked on his own smoke for a moment and then put his cigar out.

Wufei was about to open the window, but Mr. Cleven did.

"I-I don't know," Wufei tried to picture life without his ponytail.

"We DO allow mullets, however," Mr. Cleven nodded.

"A what?" Wufei blinked.

"This," Mr. Cleven pressed a buzzer on his desk and three men ran into the office. They all looked like body builders, and each of them were sporting large, colorful mullets. They spun and did a little number as Mr. Cleven spoke into his pen, as though it were a microphone. "Today Mr. Koshi is sporting the Lime Green Hatta Notta Mullet! This look will go great with that swimsuit you've been working out to wear."

Mr. Koshi tipped an imaginary hat and left.

"Huh?" Wufei was very confused.

"Second we have Mr. Williams. He is sporting the Mahogany Magic Paradise Mullet." The man with reddish hair jumped into the air and landed in a splits. "This will be wonderful when you're just walking down the street or going out for a night on the town!

Mr. Tie is sporting MY personal favorite, the Asian Black Midnight, uh, Really Good Mullet," Mr. Cleven winked, "which I think would be perfect for you." Mr. Tie flung his glossy black hair and exited with Mr. Williams.

"What do you think?" Mr. Cleven looked very hopefully at Wufei.

"Can I repaint this hideous building?"

"I LOVE this shade of pink! Well, okay, but you can't touch my office."

"Deal."

Heero peered closely on the board in front of him. They had begun a game of Parcheesi, and Heero, who had never played the game before, was taking it very seriously.

"Heero, it's very simple. You can either move there," Quatre pointed two spaces ahead of one of Heero's pieces, "or you can block me…here." He looked up at Heero hopefully.

"There's got to be another way," Heero said in a deep, pondering voice. He leaned closer to the board that sat on their stained carpet floor in the living room.

"There's not," Quatre whimpered and pinched in between his eyes. Heero suddenly picked up his piece.

"Yes there is," he knocked over two of Quatre's pieces, set them in the middle, looked him right in the eyes and said "Uno."

"…"

"…"

"If I ever want to play this board game with you again, shoot me," Quatre stood and picked up another box that read 'Trivial Pursuit'.

"You're just a poor sport,' Heero sat up, "what's that?"

"It's Trivial Pursuit. This game has pretty simple rules. Let's try it," Quatre sat down and picked up a deck of cards. Once the game was set up, he began. "You rolled a five. What color do you choose? You can either have green or purple," Quatre watched as Heero swiftly choose purple. "All right, the question is, 'who created the Muppets?'."

"What the hell is a Muppet?" Heero hoisted a brow.

"You know.the Muppets. Those puppet things-there's Kermit, that green frog, and the pig?" Quatre tried to explain.

"…You're an idiot."

"It was a TV show!"

"..."

"Fine!" Quatre raised his voice, "let's try another question." He went to the next card. "'What company produces Barbie dolls?'" Quatre looked hopeful.

"Barbie dolls?" Heero looked confused again.

"Agh! Those dolls that you see at K-Mart-"

"I never go to K-Mart."

"They wear big fluffy dresses sometimes and they're usually blonde and-uh…There's Dentist Barbie and she's got a horse-" he stopped because Heero wasn't taking in any of this.

"You're still an idiot."

"How about we do this. I'll give you words that rhyme with the answer!" Quatre suggested, trying not to fling the board across the room.

"Okay."

"Fattel."

"That's not a word."

"Well I can't think of a real word that rhymes with it. Work with me!" Quatre protested.

"Okay."

Quatre sat up straight and tried again.

"Kattel."

"Kellogs." Heero stated.

"..Uh..No. They RHYME. C'mon, it RHYMES with Sattel."

"Hasbro."

"…No… You see, that didn't even start with the same letter-"

"Swanson."

"NO! I-"

"Post!"

"YES! It was Post! AGHAHA! They stopped making cereal and decided to make dolls! They put them in cereal boxes and constructed them of toothpicks, wheat, and RAISINS! AGHAHAHAA!"

"...You're such and idiot."

Quatre stood up and raced out of the room screaming.

"Now that you're all fully equipped, we can commence training," Mr. Yoshinoya looked over his class of about twenty eleven-year olds, and then there was Duo, who was currently talking to King Penguin, who was actually a pigeon. But when you're king you can be whatever you want.

"Mr. Maxwell," the instructor sighed and placed his hands behind his back, "could you please stop talking to that Pez dispenser?"

"It's my mighty weapon," he paused and seemed to be listening to what it had to say, tilting its head back and forth with his thumb, "and it doesn't like you."

"MR. MAXWELL!" Mr. Yoshinoya caught himself before he went on a killing spree, again... "Choose a real weapon or leave my class."

"I think you're just racist!"

"What?" Duo stood up and tried to look intimidating, "you just won't let me use whatever weapon I want because I'm black!"

"…Duo...I think we need to have a talk. Drugs are very bad-"Mr. Yoshinoya began.

"King Penguin is MIGHTY! Unlike THAT-uhTHING on your back. What kind of weapon is that?" Duo countered.

"...This is a sword-"

"A likely story!" Duo turned around and walked over to the pile of weapons. He picked up a wooden dagger and pondered it. "How could you kill wrong doers with this?"

"And you're comparing it to a Pez dispenser?" Mr. Yoshinoya said in disbelief.

"King Penguin!" Duo corrected and then pushed the blade into his braid, "and if I have to use this CHILD'S toy, then I guess I just…will," he ended with a slight pause.

"You're paying double," Mr. Yoshinoya uttered mostly to himself.

"Racist." Duo muttered and sat back down. The children in unison looked at Mr. Yoshinoya, as though expecting him to explode.

"Everyone please pair off," the instructor turned and walked over to his lawn chair up on a small platform. He sat down and began to massage his temples. Duo looked around the room, searching for somebody he felt was worthy of his greatness.

"Crazy-man?" a very small blonde boy walked up to him, holding a bow and arrow that was definitely too large for him. "Do you have a partner?"

Duo blinked ponderously (I bet YOU wish you could blink ponderously!),

"no…Why aren't you partners with one of them?" Duo figured that he would pick a super-cool sidekick, somebody BIG and STRONG and-

"They all said that I was too small," the boy looked down, figuring that Duo would agree with them.

"The smaller you are, the faster you run," replied Duo, not quite sure he knew what he meant.

"Mister Crazy-man, I'm very good with a bow and arrow. My name is Sheldon. I've been practicing. My Daddy has a real one and I've almost got the hang of it-"

"Okay, okay, just don't get in my way," Duo looked up as Mr. Yoshinoya began to talk.

"I'm going to be demonstrating the "Angry Weasel" move," Mr Yoshinoya stepped forward and folded his hands together. "Position yourself in front of your partner, facing him, and put one foot out, like this," the teacher lifted his foot slightly above the ground in front of him. His arms were outspread. Sheldon copied Mr. Yoshinoya. "Make this noise-Aiiieeeeeeeee!" the old man squealed at the top of his lungs. The posing partners did the same. "Now repeat after me, 'you don't know me!'…Good, alright, aim for the groin, and kick!" Duo's scream was the loudest.

"This is nice, isn't it?" Daniella crooned, taking Trowa's hand. "I love night walks."

"Yeah.it's warm out," Trowa said nervously. He couldn't help but notice that Daniella's once green eyes now seemed yellowish.

"I think I should get home soon-"

"What? We've only just begun walking!" protested Daniella.

"But I-"

"Oh God, you're gay, right? JESUS Daniella-"she threw her arms into the air, "every god dammed time!"

"No, I'm not. Though in a lot of fanfiction-no wait, nevermind. I just-Fine. Let's keep walking." Trowa sighed.

"Good, follow me!" Daniella grabbed Trowa's hand again and broke off into a run. Trowa stumbled as they passed other couples and lots of small shops. She didn't stop until they found their way into a narrow alley. She turned away from him and suddenly crumbled against the wall, seemingly sobbing.

"Daniella?" Trowa wondered how many issues this girl had, "Are you alright?"

"I'm so hungry," she whimpered.

"I've got Circus cookies," Trowa dug into his uni-bang and held them out.

"NO YOU IDIOT!" Daniella turned around, making Trowa toss his cookies. Heh...toss his cook- uh…ehem.

"I have been trying to get you to hit on me all night but you're so GODDAMMED CLUELESS!" she took a step forward.

"What are you?" Trowa asked, his eyes widening.

"I'm a VAMPIRE,YOU MORON!" she screamed. She then suddenly stopped herself and wiped her eyes. "Sorry I'm a bit emotional."

"It's perfectly fine," Trowa comforted. "So what happens next?"

"I think I'm supposed to bite you," Daniella sniffled.

"Okay," Trowa nodded.

Daniella walked right up to Trowa and tilted his head to the side. She stopped,

"Um, could you, like, struggle?"

"Oh, sure. Sure," Trowa began to flail his arms. He broke away and then made the decision to run, because getting bit by a vampire, no matter how much the storyline was planning on it, did not seem like something fun.

Wufei combed back his mullet in a mirror, examining it from the side. It was glossy, black, and well…a mullet.

"Stylin'," Mr. Cleven came up behind Wufei and commented.

"I think it brings out my pants," Wufei said nonchalantly. He then realized who he was talking to. "Uh, hi. Do I have an office?"

"HAHAhahahahahaaaaa!"

"..."

"Oh, you're serious. Uh, no. You make copies, boy. That's why you're the 'Copyboy', get it?" Mr. Cleven pointed out.

"Okay." Wufei thought about the title. Copyboy Wufei with Nice Pants? Ummm…

"Let's introduce you to some of your co-workers!" Mr. Cleven said enthusiastically. He led Wufei down a narrow hall filled with small offices. The walls were still the hideous pink color. Wufei was considering what shade of green might look nice when Mr. Cleven suddenly stopped. They were in front of a relatively large room that seemed as though it were a batchelor's kitchen. Empty popcorn bags littered the counter and there were soda cans on the small wooden tables in the middle of the room.

"This is our fine dining establishment," Mr. Cleven nodded.

"You EAT here?" Wufei said quietly.

"No…There's a McDonald's across the street. We go there every day at noon. They give us discounts on coffee."

"So why don't you just clean it? Or hire somebody else to do it?" Wufei questioned.

"Why don't YOU clean it?" Mr. Cleven countered.

"Huh?"

"Exactly!" Wufei's new boss quickly turned around and continued on Wufei's tour. He stopped when they reached a door that led to a very small compartment filled with tools of a cleaning nature. Or, you know, a closet.

"Hey look! It's a...um…closet. Why are you showing me a closet?" Wufei questioned.

Mr. Cleven shrugged, "sometimes new employees mistake it for an office. I was going to tell you that it's a closet so that you didn't walk inside. You could tell?"

"It's says 'closet'," Wufei pointed out, gesturing to the word written on the door with a sharpie. It looked like it had been smudged, because it actually said 'close'.

"Oh.I always thought somebody was just instructing you on how to use a door. Brillant! You'll do great here, eh, what's your name?"

"Wufei Chang," he answered.

"Woofy?" Mr. Cleven tried.

"...Does my name really sound like that?"

"Yes."

"…Are you sure that you aren't just an idiot?"

"That could very well be," Mr. Cleven said fairly. Wufei sighed and decided that he was just constantly surrounded by morons. "Now I'll show you where you'll be," Mr. Cleven nodded and went in another door. The room was very well lit, almost too well. There were three copy machines on each opposite wall and a couple of other little technological advances that deemed mail insufficient.

Or, "what's that crap?" as Wufei put it.

"Oh, those? You don't have to worry about those, you're domain will be these little things." Mr. Cleven approached a copy machine and bopped it. "Have you ever used a copy machine before?"

"Well...I've used a computer and a coffee machine. I'd suppose it's like one of those," Wufei reasoned.

"Not as complicated," Mr. Cleven answered, plugging the machine in.

"You see this green button?" Mr. Cleven pointed at a large rectangle button reading 'start', "it makes the copy. You simply enter how many copies you want, how dark you want it, color or black and white, and then you hit this magic button."

"…Can I make photo copies of my hand?"

"Yes, yes you can. But please do it on you're lunch break," Mr. Cleven answered like he was asked that every day.

"Can I ask you something?" Wufei asked after a moment.

"Shoot."

"What happened to the last copy machine boy?"

"...That brings me to my next topic," Mr. Cleven's face suddenly became dark.

"And what's that?" Wufei inquired.

"You ask a lot of questions."

"Isn't that the idea?"

"No," shot Mr. Cleven.

"Oh."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Wufei finally said.

"Quite alright...Now, on to the next subject, red folders," Mr. Cleven tapped his fingers together. (at first I typed 'taped'. Heh. Yes, Wufei sat there watching his boss bind his fingers in scotch tape until he could no longer use his mouth to wrap it around and had to ask for help. Umh.Well, anyway.)

"Never look at red folders."

"Got it… Why?" Wufei ventured.

"They have very…secret documents in them. You are to set them in that locked cabinet over there when they come in. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Wufei nodded.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then, Cheese."

"Did you just call me Cheese?"

"...No."

"Yes you did."

"It's not…Woofy Cheese?"

"That is nowhere near my name. How about you just call me Joe, is that enough not-Asian for you?"

"I like the name Joe. It goes with your mullet." Mr. Cleven smiled.

"Good."

Heero watched the television carefully, though he wasn't paying attention. But he was trying very hard to pay attention to what Quatre was doing in the kitchen and concentrating very hard on looking like he was concentrating very hard at the TV. Did that make sense..? In other words Heero was being a nosey bastard.

"So you fed the fish and it blinked in Morse code at you?" Quatre talked slowly over the white portable phone. He paused, "and it said it was George Harrison reincarnated? You do realize that fish can't blink, and George Harrison is still alive-... No, I'm not mocking you Cali, I want you to do your breath exercises and I'll be right back," Quatre looked at Heero, covering the receiver, "Heero, can you please turn that down a little. I'm doing my Dial-Therapy-Hour on KLOQ (radio station)."

"Huh?" Heero acted, "oh, sure, yeah, whatever."

"Thanks," Quatre smiled and sat down at the table. "I don't think the fish was just lying to you about being famous because it wanted more food- …But I didn't-…WELL! If you're going to use that sort of language maybe the fish was RIGHT! ...Oh my, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that. You're not a fat tub of stupid who is motherless and can never wear matching socks, that was a terrible thing for the fish to say, …or blink. Have you considered getting rid of the fish? ...It won't fight you, I-" Quatre suddenly stopped, "she said I was a demon sent from hell to spite her. I think she was overreacting, but if that's how she feels." Quatre set down the phone and sat beside Heero on the couch.

"Why didn't you just tell her that George Harrison simply cannot be a gold fish because he's old," Heero said with his own logic.

"...Maybe you should go on Dial-Therapy." Quatre said half-joking.

"Maybe I should," with that sentence, usually one would get up and take to what they've just committed themselves too. Usually, they do what they've just thought about and succeed and feel good about themselves. Heero and Quatre sat and watched 'As the World Turns' in Spanish. No, they don't speak Spanish.

Duo sat crunched in a little ball, rocking back and fourth in remembrance of the pain. Sheldon slowly approached him, as if Duo were a wild animal.

"Mr. Maxi-Pad, sir?" he clutched his bow as if to shield himself, "we're going to start weapon exercises. I-I-I need a partner."

"You have pointed shoes on…why don't you have bare feet like everyone else?" Duo only whimpered.

"Oh, that's 'cause my feet are sensitive. Mommy says I need lots of protection," Sheldon sniffled and laughed at the same time.

"You're still my sidekick…?" Duo more asked himself.

"I s-suppose, sir," Sheldon ventured to look at Duo. "They're starting. I have your sword...you dropped it." He timidly held out the wooden broad sword that he had concealed.

"What was your samurai name?" Duo sighed, taking his sword and standing.

"I was Fox Riddle," Sheldon smiled.

"Duo Maxi-Pad and Sheldon Fox Riddle." Duo said it aloud, "has kind of a ring to it. Eh, whatever." Duo shrugged and shuffled over to the circle of students receiving instruction. Sheldon marched behind, beaming.

"Now we're going to learn to use our weapons correctly." Mr. Yoshinoya nodded more than he needed to and took a drink from a shaking cup of coffee. "Flaming Wombat, will you come into the center of the circle and bring your nunchucs, please? And who is your partner?"

"Him," a tall black haired boy pointed as he stepped into the center of the circle. "I can't remember his samurai name." A chubby boy followed suit, smoothing his red hair and gazing at the floor.

"I'm Greasy Snake."

"Okay." Mr. Yoshinoya eye twitched and he was silent for a long while. Then suddenly he seemed as though he came back to life. "Flaming Wombat, I want you to swing your weapon and strike Greasy Snake as hard as you can." Flaming Wombat looked unsure, but then suddenly he struck out at his partner. He fell onto his back, tearless. The kids all scooted in, dumbstruck.

"Mr. Y, what am I supposed to do?" Sheldon raised his hand and signaled to his bow.

"Here's an apple, knock yourself out," Mr. Y laughed and picked up an apple that was conveniently placed beside him. Sheldon caught it awkwardly as the other children commenced in fighting one another. "Well, if you sit down we can put it on your head and then-" Sheldon stopped because Duo snatched the apple away.

"You're going to kill me if I'm not careful! This is precisely what we need to watch out for. Mr. Yoshinoya is trying to eliminate me!" Duo's eyes widened with conspiracy, "and he's trying to get you to kill me because he's evil and he knows that I will one day conquer all EVIL, and he is EVIL so he wants to stop me" Duo straightened up and took a bite out of the apple,"come Fox Boy!"

"Fox Riddle," corrected Sheldon.

"Whatever, stop trying to self-promote your…self! Now come on!" Duo raced away, his braid flowing behind him.

Trowa stopped and hid behind a street corner, his chest caving in and out. How long had he been running? Five minutes, an hour?

"Dumbass, I can see your hair," Daniella called out, walking towards him. "You've been running away for an hour now. Don't you ever watch vampire movies? The victim never out runs the vampire! The way it works is I catch you, and I bite you, and you pass out. Then I dress you in little pink dresses and leave you on the street in a position that suggests you had a little too much fun the night before."

"Why don't we just go to McDonald's instead?" Trowa squinted when she came up to him.

"Alright, but you're paying," she shrugged. Trowa froze, shocked.

"O-okay...Can you eat normal food?"

"I guess. I mean, food gets me drunk," she sighed and studied her nails. "I don't understand it, but, let's go!"

"It's getting late, maybe you should go home," Mr. Cleven suggested, peeking his head in at Wufei. He was hunched over a copy machine, his glasses low on his nose.

"You said that all the copy machines on this side of the wall were broken?" Wufei rubbed his eyes.

"Oh, yea, they just say 'error' when we try to use them," Mr. Cleven put his coat on.

"They're out of paper."

"Whatever, I don't understand your 'technical talk'. I'm no mechanic," Mr. Cleven picked up his briefcase.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"How in the world did you get to be the head of a big company like this?" Wufei ventured.

"Mostly murder, that's how they do it in Russia!" Mr. Cleven smiled.

"…Sure...and what exactly does this company DO, anyway?" Wufei asked, taking off his glasses.

"Remember when I told you that you ask too many questions?" Mr. Cleven asked, laughing. Wufei nodded. His boss' face went completely straight, "stop."

Duo looked up at Sheldon from his place sitting on the floor. "Mr. Maxi-pad, sir, I think I'm supposed to be beating you up like all of the other kids..." Fox twanged his bow. Aha...twang. That's a funny word...Well, anyway.

"We've got to come up with a plan to destroy Dr. Yoshinoya's evil...EVILNESS." Duo's eyes widened as he stared past Sheldon.

"Umm...Okay, why don't you just fight him?" Sheldon tried to remember everything he learned in Karate Kid movies.

"Becaaause, I am...um...much too mighty, and if I face him head on...he, may, uh, EXPLODE! So you see, you've got to steal his car keys," the braided bishounen clapped his hands.

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Fox Riddle questioned. "Do you want to be a sidekick?"

"Oh, yes!"

"Am I AWESOME?"

"YES!"

"Do YOU want TO BE AWESOME?"

"YES! YES! YES!"

"IS THERE ANYTHING IN MY TEETH!"

"A LITTLE BIT OF BROCOLLI BUT IT'S NOT NOTICABLE!"

"THEN GOOOOOOOOO!"

"AIAIAIAIAIAAAA!" Sheldon screeched and ran away like a wound-up toy. Well...sorta, minus the psychopathic need for destruction.

Like a tiger, Fox Riddle approached Mr. Yoshinoya's office (a chair in the corner with a few dirty magazines under it and a coffee mug. On the seat itself was Mr. Yoshinoya's car keys.). It was heavily guarded by...uhnever mind that. Just know that it was very dangerous. Sheldon backed up against the wall, once more taking a clear look of his surroundings. Like lightening he snatched up the metal loop of keys and made a mad dash back to Duo.

Chest heaving in and out he dropped the keys in Duo's lap.

"Well done, you're are now an honorary sidekick!" Maxi Pad patted him on the shoulder.

Gleaming, Riddle replied, "okay, so what do we do now?"

"Patience, lawn-jumper." Maxwell closed his eyes.

"Isn't it 'grasshopper'?" Fox challenged.

"SILENCE INSOLENT FOOL!"

"Sorry."

"Now, as I WAS saying," Duo's eyes popped open, "We need to go steal his car."

"What is that going to accomplish?"

"…"

"…" Duo sighed, "I guess you don't want to be an awesome sidekick."

"Yes, I do!"

"THEN DO WHAT I SAY!"

"I'M SORRY THAT I QUESTIONED YOUR IMMINENT (aha, I don't know what that means, but it sounds right, doesn't it?) WISDOM!" Fox Riddle did several quick bows.

"Okay, now let's go." Duo stood and tried to walk away nobly. But, unfortunately, he had this sort of limp from when he got kicked in the chestnuts.

Mr. Yoshinoya watched out the window as the two approached his car. "Those little bastards!" he exclaimed, picking up his cellphone. "Hello police? I need a car out here right away, there is some punks trying to steal my car...The address, it's right next to the donut shop on May-" They hung up-, "Well, I guess they know where that is. I thought donuts eating cops was just some grossly overused stereotype joke. Eh," he shrugged and hung up as well. He looked back at his car, all of the kids now joined him.

"Quicker, Fox Riddle!" Duo said in his best samurai voice, "If you don't get this car started soon we'll never make our getaway and go on to conquer the WORLD! HA HA HA HAAA!"

"Hey, good guys don't do that." Sheldon protested.

"Shut up and keep trying the keys," Duo watched as the boy tested key after key in the ignition.

"I'm only eleven you know."

"SILENCE!"

"Sorry."

"FREEZE!" a very chubby cop walked out of the donut store and pointed a gun at Sheldon. "Step out of the car slowly."

"That's right, officer! Those are the boys!" Mr. Yoshinoya came running out of the building.

"Ted Cassaway?" the cop suddenly gasped, pointing his gun at Mr. Yoshinoya.

Two more cops walked out of the shop. "H-how did you recognize me!" the Samurai instructor suddenly screamed. "I've seen my share of NAKED BODIES!" the fat officer's eyes widened.

Everybody stared.

"…"

"…"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything.?" Ted (Yoshinoya) put his hands up.

"Book em', boys," the man gestured to his comrades.

"Boy are we glad you called," he turned his attention to Sheldon and Duo, "this guys is wanted in 98 states (I know). He is an imposter. He goes from city to city pretending to be a Samurai instructor, teaching bogus lessons and then collecting all of the parent's money. Don't worry, you'll get your cash back."

"You were supposed to pay for this class?" Duo suddenly asked.

Ted threw his head up and screamed as he was handcuffed, "I HATE YOU, MAXI PAD! AS LONG AS I LIVE I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DEFEAT YOU!" Once he got to jail he'd rock back and forth whispering 'Maxi Pad, Maxi Pad, must…kill...I will defeat Maxi Pad. On a side note he was sent to a psychiatric hospital in his first three days of being jailed.

"Well, Fox Riddle, so ends another day of chaos and destruction. Ahhhh…it's good to save the world." Duo smiled and put a hand on the eleven year old's shoulder.

"Well, actually-" Duo put a hand over Sheldon's mouth.

"Yep…I'm a hero," after a moment he laughed quietly. "Ha…'Hero' sounds like 'Heero'… Heh."

THE END

Or is it?

…Well, yeah, it is.


End file.
